Top Ten Awesome Things You Can Buy if You Stop Smoking

Stoptober is a national stop-smoking challenge, running for 28 days from October 1st. People who manage to stop smoking cigarettes for 28 days are five times more likely to continue remaining smoke-free. Just think of all the awesome things you’ll be able to buy with the money you save! At nearly £8 a pack nowadays, a 20 a day habit will cost you £2912 a year, likely breaking the 3k barrier as well when you include the requisite lighters, ashtrays, breath mints and air fresheners.

So here’s a Top Ten of Awesome Stuff you probably didn’t even know you could buy with the money you would otherwise have spent on cigarettes…

1. Ping Pong Table Door. That’s right, I said ping pong table door. It’s a door, and it’s a ping pong table. Get this installed at your home or office and always have a table tennis surface ready to go. After all, you’re going to need some new activities once you start getting your proper lung capacity back after quitting the cigarettes.

2. Remote-Controlled Lawnmower! Why the hell didn’t we think of this before? Use a chunk of that easily-saved cash to lighten your load and never have to do your back in keeping the lawn trim ever again. Drive your neighbours insane with jealousy as you relax with a Pimms and mow your lawn with just a few twiddles of the thumb.

3. Outdoor Concrete Pool Table. Now, you might have to add together a few years worth of savings to get hold of one of these, but the James De Wulf Pool Table is regulation size and made with a concrete frame and water-repellent materials for the surface and joints, so you don’t even need to cover it up when you go back inside.

4. Massive Beanbag Sofas are probably the greatest invention ever. I remember meandering through the Camden Town markets in London and daydreaming about owning one of these as I window-shopped in the various places that sold them. Every so often I’d sneak a peek at the price tags and they always broke my heart. If only there was a way I could save money by not spending it on something that I don’t need…

5. Instant Underpants! Rumour has it that Batman himself has a pair of these secreted away somewhere on his utility belt. They’re hardly a high point of fashion, but not too shabby if you happen to have had an accident in your original pair. Just drop the instant pants pellet in water, and as it soaks the compressed layers will separate. Perhaps not the most useful item on this list, but who cares, instant underpants!

6. Jellyfish Aquariums used to be practically impossible because of the delicate nature of these beautiful but bizarre creatures, with the jellyfish often being damaged by the filtration systems of normal tanks. Not so anymore though, as an aquarium has been designed with a filter system that doesn’t harm them and you can actually keep up to five little jellyfish in the 7 gallon tank. Way more awesome than a gerbil.

7. Life-Size Pin Pressions could provide you with whole minutes of fun. Also serving as an ornamental work of art to be admired and enjoyed with the eyes, as well as changed and adjusted whenever you feel like. Strike a pose like Han Solo getting frozen in carbonite, flex your muscles, drop your trousers or whatever floats your boat. Literally minutes of fun to be had here.

8. Giant Spider Web Hammocks are the ultimate combination of comfortable reclining and scaring the bejesus out of your neighbours – an often overlooked combo when it comes to garden furniture, I feel. I just can’t see any way that having one of these set up for a garden party wouldn’t be all kinds of awesome

9. Guitar Urinals should be installed in toilets everywhere. The only drawback I can see is the disappointment of finally running out of pee. Imagine the jams the lads could have in the loos of a busy pub or club, or the beautiful melodies they could create in the comfort of their own bathroom. Of course, it’s going to bring a whole new meaning to the lyrics of Queen’s Wee Will Rock You. But oh lord, a man can dream.

10. Clap-Off Bras are surely the future. They must be the future. PLEASE be the future. I can’t believe it took this long for men to invent a bra that unclasps when you clap, though probably not as long as it’ll take for them to actually convince the womenfolk to invest in one. See it in action at this Youtube link, though it’s a bit naughty so you’ll need to sign in and confirm you’re old enough to briefly glimpse a small portion of a pair of mostly covered breasts.

So good luck during Stoptober, any and all that need it. And don’t forget to invite me round after you’ve successfully quit smoking and bought all this amazing stuff with your savings! All of us at Vapourlites wish you all the best and we have Stoptober Starter Kits available too, which are a great help towards staying tobacco free for a month. Then just get ready for what might turn out to be the most important and inspiring month of the rest of your life.